Sarah Tells All

The fact is that I have alot of anger in my heart, I honestly don't know why, but I most definetly know it's there. It consumes my body and sparks the rage in my mind. What sets it off, again i have no idea. It's a bad thing but It makes me feel normal and down to earth and actully makes life easier for me, sick isn't it. I probably have said this in my past blogs but I don't like liking people other than myself, I guess if I was going to have an answer to one of those surveys that ask for ones own weakness mine would be love, any form of it, or even having good thoughts towards someone. It's pain, pain I cannot stand. Over the years my mind subcontiously turned every good feeling into feelings of hate. What's with that. There is someone in particular that I just can't feel anger or hate towards, maybe it has to do with siding, that's what it is. For the first time in my life I don't feel alone. And on another note I usally have outlets for my anger that also releive my anxiety but they are not working anymore and I need something more, because my rage is building up and I am more prone to bad things.

Things That Make Me Angry:
Bad things happening to people, people being in pain, innocent animals in pain, loss of control, people being serious, people discouraging me, the downsides of things, people I love getting taken away from me, loving anything, fear, ackward situations, really ackward situations, being tired all of the time, not wanting what the people dearest to me want, caring...because it hurts, always changing my mind, feeling trapped, being jealous, dumb people, having to do something that I don't know how to do, not knowing what to do, the fear of happiness, and the lack of it.

The Things That Make Me Happy:
Having strength, hugging my dog, listening to reggae, mastering to art of things, pretty stuff, certain weather, palm trees, random rain, early mornings when the air is crisp and the sun is just starting to come up over the hill, hiking in chinese camp, looking at real estate.
staying inside with fun people during a storm. The rare moments of clearity, things that smell good, accomplishing things, using knowlege, being clean, both being busy and having time, watching my favorite shows svu, and degrassi, the rain, smell of hugo, smell of fresh grass, pattle boats, momosta trees, overwelming achritecture, cool games, model ships, finding my old stuff, exercising with people I like, goals, being in my own space, going to big, but civilized parties, getting dressed up, not feeing alone, having someone that I want to share my life with, great movies, the uop campus, good food, being able to sleep when I want to, meditation, being able to think, being smart, being happy, ( I wouldn't know but..) wanting to wake up, looking foward to something, playing board games, baking in the rain, making pizza while listening to reggae, traveling...but not to far, playing basket ball in chinese camp, staying at hotels, having a mission, taking over the world, obtaining power, and well other stuff.
~ Sarah

I am at peace. I have found my stability in life. Amazingly I reside at a comfortable state of limbo, a state of limbo that also acts as my grounding, which clears my mind of chaos. My thoughts are whole thoughts that flow smoothly. I certainly don't worry about things as much as I did. I am living my life in a good direction right now, and live forward with no fear in my heart. Life is about balance. I finally feel like myself, and even though I am drowned in clarity that in it's self causes me to be unsure of future. I shall maintain my balance in any current given situation, and not loose my only tranquility I have ever had. It's like I am feeling the opposite things at the same time but that creates balance and leaves me feeling neither, I hate to say it but it's almost like algebra. Time is moving now at a casual pace, it's nice I have never lived in peace I wake up a little easier having faith that I can carry out the days, what a feeling, huh. have resilience, zen, stable balance. I said something in my last blog about the tree falling, and be appreated, well I don't think i need to explain. There was this game in like third grade that we had to play in P.E. one time and everyone was pared up randomly and one of the two was behind there partner and had to catch them when to fell, I remember how apprehensive I was, and how I told myself trusting someone anytime in the future would be horrible to do and that it would evetully bring me down in life, yes I was a awful little kid. Well goodnight, I have many things to do tomorrow, I finally got a day off of work, I have some catching up to do.
~ Sarah

Random Thoughts

(whats considered dating ?)If someone is your girlfriend or boyfriend, how does that make them different from someone else. I guess there are expectations, more looking into the future, sex, and not doing those things with other people. Wow that seems like all of the things Im not looking for, at least mostly.

( People and their trade offs )Some people have qualities I like, which others dont and then the other way around. It appears to be that way to me because I am a perfectionist, and look for 0's. Sucks for me doesnt, and Im sorry it sucks for all of the people that have anything to do with me, I am so sorry.

( Flaws, and the level of there importance ) Wanting someone perfect, I think about flaws. Flaws to me are so very different than other peoples views on flaws. Sometimes I think about the sacrifice of flaws for causes. What causes do you ask, f*ck if I know. It all depends on something. I was thinking if someone was so great that there flaws didnt bother me, then I thought well doesnt that take away the purpose of a flaw? Thats where the thought today ended.

( Flaws, change self to accepts )Is it me who brings out certain flaws in people? If I changed something about myself would that make most of the people in the world appear great, or would it just be lowing my standards?

( Resistance )Is resisting temptation for something or someone just another form of lying?

( Not everything means something )The way that people think things are means nothing, everything is random, anything can happen regardless of the details or lack of in any given situation, Please do not ever assume.

( I need more than just one person ) But Im not into that well yeah, I like different things in different people, but I am loyal, and can get devoted, so it will always be just one person for me.

( Indecisiveness verses perfectionism )Indecisive : characterized by lack of decision and firmness, not clearly defined, perfectionism : A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards. A tendency to set rigid high standards of personal performance.a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness

( Why do certain people cause me to act different? )

( Do I idealize myself too much to be with someone else? )

( My problem with being blunt sometimes is that Im indecisive so there for I can not represent stability if there is none present. )


( I cherish life so much that I want to live to the fullest every moment ( have you ever seen that show called next )

( Sometimes I feel like Im being toyed with by a greater power and I say " I dont want to play this game anymore" )

( I finally mostly organized my thoughts, then to think, am I looking at everything backwards, are my priorities wrong? What actually matters to me? )

( Life plays reverse psychology on me ) I know this one is short but when I say it I put 0 of my seriousness into it, everything in life is reverse psychology.

Sarah ( Lost and Delirious )

If Barbies inhabited the earth and there was one dinosaur left the ultimate lifetime objective for the last dinosaur would be to try and find another dinosaur. Sure the dinosaur and the Barbies could exist together but the Barbies nor the dinosaur would be able the understand each other, or live happily through live as well as if the last dinosaur had another dinosaur to live there life with.

There is this theory/saying thingy. If a tree falls in the forest and makes a sound when it falls will the sound still happen if no one is there to hear it? Sound waves still travel through the air but it doesn’t matter if no one can hear it. The whole basis an issue of this is there is no one there to hear it. I am like the tree, and my expression on life is the sound of the tree falling. There again I would be looking for someone who would hear the sound of the tree falling other wise I have no one to share my expression on life with and in this world it may seem to not even exist.

Maybe there is another dinosaur

~ Sarah